December 30, 2025

It’s over, all the celebration, torn paper, and crock pots cleaned. Ok, the tree and lights I tend to hang onto till after New Year’s Day, but the rest has been pretty well cleaned up. I like the warm glow in the evening hours from the tree, helps me not focus on how cold it is and a bit less stark.

The food was good as it always is when you let yourself indulge, and cream cheese is its own food group. The cheese ball is over half gone, the hors d’oeuvres stuffed with cream cheese have been consumed, broccoli casserole a fond memory, and the spinach dip is almost to the point of being fed to the chickens. We decided to have a variety of soups, finger foods, and not as many sweets this year.  Though I did bake a few different kinds of cookies. It was too easy to grab a few as I pass the cookie jar. Traditional gingerbread, and new recipe sugar cookies and meringue cookies, which I have probably eaten at least a few dozen since Christmas. Some leftover veggie tray slices were transformed into omelet ingredients. My husband volunteered to cook and it was wonderful. We have grazed on leftovers for several days now, and I appreciate every bite of it. The home baked from scratch, the French bread, which the last few crusts with mold specks became snacks for my chickens today.  Times have been rough this year, so there was less focus on a huge meal that few people cook and have to pay more for, and more on stretching every dollar. One sister made the comment she almost asked if it “was a joke” referring to the menu, but then again, she doesn’t cook or clean up, so I tried really hard not to be too offended. But she also had no problem loading up on leftovers, which I really didn’t begrudge her, but it had to be said.

 I sit here thinking about all that still needs done, years past, and the family that wasn’t here, either from death or conflict, and the mourning continues. The “memories” that pop up on Facebook with some of the grandkids helping cut out cookies and decorate them, with those now almost grown faces I seldom get to see. The tears threaten to well up, and have to be clamped back down. There is no room for tears, those are saved for dire circumstances, and who has money for a therapist to work out all the “feelings” kept locked in the box. I have to struggle to find the resolve to keep moving forward and not let the depressive thoughts win out.

Rejoice in the sunshine we are blessed with, embrace change, remember to stay hydrated, and keep moving forward.

 

December 15, 2025

A couple days ago, the Christmas tree was carried in the house and assembled, yes it's a fake tree. We were pleasantly surprised with this years' game of "what's living in the box", probably due to the early freeze we had this year. The ornament theme picked was simple, slightly monochromatic and keeping it simple, unlike previous years of every branch dripping with sparkling glass of every shape and size. This Grandma is feeling the years, and thoughts of taking it down by myself weighs in. I hate to admit, the ornament tote is still sitting open in the floor because my anxiety limits me. Almost like that too much coffee buzz that sends a dull ache sitting behind my right breast.

I have yet to do more decorating than the tree, but I have options. Trying to pull on possible images of joy from the grandkids, to make it worth the effort, and it's hard. I have to try to make the visit for the holidays more magical and special, just in case this is my last.

It's easier to make the lists of what has to be accomplished, than it is to actually do them. The cookie dough needs mixed and readied for baking. Ingredients for said cookies need to be obtained if I can't find them in the cabinets, though I do try to keep all the basics in stock. Presents need purchased, sigh, to do that I have to actually leave the house at this point, because you can't trust the mail these days. The meal needs planned. The group text needs sent to see who is actually coming for our Christmas Eve gathering. Then the compiling who is contributing what food to make the day feel like something special. My tradition has been to continue with my rendition Mom's chicken and dumplings, and some appetizers. We need some extra non-cookie options to keep us from passing out from the sugar rush. Then the endless cleaning, recleaning, that makes me feel less like a failure.

Baby steps, I have to start somewhere

 

Baby steps, I have to start somewhere

December 11, 2025

I don’t know who needs to hear it, but this time of year tends to hit hardest. The days are usually on the gray side, making the day feel colder and more alone. Seasonal depression, situational depression, or just the blahs, it takes its toll this time of year and I am left feeling shut down. Or alternating between emotionless to periods of high anxiety. There has been a lot that has happened this year, but that’s a story for another day.

I have yet to start putting up our Christmas decorations, and it’s already Dec. 11. My husband says we don’t have to, but I know I do. It’s what is expected. We have the family get together at our house, and it ends up making me happy in the end. Mom always loved Christmas and all the decorations that came with it. So she when she passed, it became a personal expectation.

The day started off with the mission to find the Spiderman Lego figure my great nephew lost / left here on Thanksgiving. We had already swept under the furniture and checked the areas where the maybe 1 and 1/2 inch figure could hide. So, I cleaned out the toy bench. Then I became sidetracked organizing it; at least till the Grandkids open that lid again. The Spiderman was found in the bottom of the toy chest, whew, crisis averted. During my search, random game pieces found the proper box, dominos were organized in their tin box, soft darts stashed with the proper dart gun, and the colorful bird puzzle reassembled and ready to be torn apart again. The lid now closes without protest, and the fuzz balls have been vacuumed from the corners. Definitely a feeling of accomplishment achieved.

I have been on a bit of an organizing kick the past few months. Trying to get the house uncluttered and organized in preparation for, God forbid, my unexpected death. I know, that sounds crazy, but let’s be honest, my Mom died at my age of a massive heart attack around 24 years ago. So, till I get through this birthday year, my motto is “prepare of the worst” and be thrilled it it doesn’t play out that way.

So, the cabinets still need reorganizing in the kitchen, my bedroom is a nightmare I can’t face on a gray day like today, and there are at least 50 things I can think of that need done before my demise. The goal is to accomplish one task at least every few days, so, here we go.